love floats

Random fact of the day

2008-05-15T14:30:32Z

did you know,
India's home to half a million eunuchs?
well,neither did i.
and to think, i've never even met any before.
aren't we in singapore a shelthered bunch.

happy hour

2008-05-09T17:47:41Z

yay,got it changed to acjc!
now no more selangor sightseeing for me! =DDD

and just when i made the decision to stop procrastinating and making excuses and join cell grp/arrow actively and not go twice a year, they announce that cg meetings will stick to j1s/j2s in college itself!
dang,so much for commiting my self totally to church,especially now jane joined.
now i have to wait till august to join the nus cell.i cant help but feel a lil sad.cos i was finally ready to commit to this cell group.

oh well,but i'll count my blessings,no more selangor!=D

and tmr,10th may,starts my studying for SATs.like really set aside 2/3hrs a day to study.God's grace on that! i dont want it to be a repeat of the preparation for the A's.

so please God,grant me determination,brilliance and stamina,thanks!

and next post will be about cookie,she's grown so cute,but unbearably annoying.haha.

not so deep shit

2008-05-07T05:11:07Z

okay,i think the selangor thing is quite funny now. i mean its not that big a problem.i just have to wait till friday,when my dad gets back fr kl,use his phone to call the cust service in us,which means i have to do an 11pm call.and then calmly explain to them my dire situation,and then if all else fails,beg them to let me sit for it in singapore,i dun care anywhere,as long as its in singapore.
and to think i thought ajc was way too far away for me to travel.
i told my mum abt it,but carefully ommitted the test centre change fee. so right now she thinks she just has a not-very-bright daughter.thank God she doesnt know its a not-very-bright daughter whos gonna be $30 poorer because of a really silly mistake.though i still think its collegeboard's fault.because as usual,its not my fault.HAHA
so moral of the story?
distance is relative.nowhere in singapore is EVER too far to travel to.

and i still really want to study in Hawaii.please God,just this one wish?

deep shit

2008-05-06T09:17:05Z

oh crappppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp.
i cld like just die right now.
i just registered online for SATs,
put my 1st choice test centre as AJC,2nd choice as st francis sch yest.
today when i checked they said st.francis' full,so i had to select another choice,and only choice left was ajc.so i clicked it as 2nd choice.
and they said sorry 1st and 2nd choice must be different. so fine i try leaving it as st francis,they said i must make a valid second choice.
SO,I had the bright idea of selecting Selangor as my 2nd choice,since you know,malaysia's the next closest.
But,OF COURSE, i wldnt get my 2nd choice rite?i HAD to get my 1st choice.

so i happily click submit.
AND BLOODY HELL, SELANGOR'S MY TEST CENTRE!
i cld just scream or die.
or do both.
im paying for my test out of my chng kee paycheck,and i cant afford to pay the us21 bucks for test centre change plus the long distance calling.oh why oh why do stupid things like this happen!
and i definately am not going to waste my time going all the way to selangor just to stay for a 3-4 hr test.
aaarrrggghhhhhh shit. x100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.

broken chains

2008-05-04T15:11:56Z

http://bp2.blogger.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/SBsLtGhZKLI/AAAAAAAAE0Q/suXu-7HgIZA/s1600-h/leapoffaith.jpg

and i think that has got to be the scariest,most fantabulous feeling in the world.
and i can't wait =)

NUS!

2008-05-02T15:19:54Z

yay, woohoo!
i got into NUS' faculty of SCIENCE!!
yayyayYAY!! all glory to God, =P to all those at the nus science booth who said i wouldn't get a place with my grades or even with my discretionary admission!hah! havent they heard of miracles and grace?
okay enough of gloating,cos honestly,its by the grace of God,that evrything for the local unis just fell into place!
and i cant believe i'm saying this,but im torn between going to nus or ntu life sciences!
imagine that,i thought i wouldnt get into any sciences=DDD
so praise the Lord!!!!!!!!
yay im so happy!!!!!
i rmb praying aft the A's,that if God wanted me to fosake my vet dream,that i wldnt get into ntu's biological sciences n instead get into my 2nd choice of wkw comm, n go into journalism instead.
and so now im thankful one career dilemma's settled =)
my mum's really happy, but i think my dad's worried,cos he has to undertake a 2nd bank loan. =/
now i dont even know whether to apply for murdoch...
oh well,anyway all glory to God!=))

p.s:i didnt go to papa charlie's grave in the end,annoyinh tonsils.

God above all the world in motion,
God above all my hopes and fears,
Well I don't care what the world throws at me now,
It's gonna be alright.

Cause I know my God saved the day,
And I know His word never fails,
And I know my God made a way for me,
It's gonna be alright!

fly away

2008-04-30T10:06:43Z

blahhh,im sick at home with tonsils.it sucks cos im not allowed to eat anything besides soups,non-spicy and non-fried stuff,leaving me with bread and bland soup.
im beginning to think i'll never be able to turn vegetarian by the time i turn 19.
and im still contemplating whether to take my sats...hmmm.ive no idea if i'll ever use it.

anyway tmr's 1st may,i think its the 10 or 11th death anniversary of my paternal grandpa, Papa Charlie.
we're supposed to go visit his grave tmr,but now due to complicated family politics (which freaking annoys me,why cant everyone just get along and stop gossiping!), we're not sure if everyone's going,or if we're going.i hope we do,and that my tonsils are better by tmr.

i still do miss papa charlie sometimes,though its more like i see something n it reminds me off him. whenever i see a tall-ish skinny indian man with white hair,i think of him. and i really am proud of him,lemme tell you abt him,and boast on his behalf!so family history time!
he was a sailor,who sailed(partly to get away from his strict dad). when the japanese occupation came,he joined the underground foces against the japs,but unfortunately was captured and sent to burma and slogged over the burmese railway. thank God he survived, he came back married my grandma when she was 16,he 31.and then proceeded to live a very very simple quiet life,rarely venturing out of the house.
i wished he was still alive,so i could ask him to tell me all his war stories and sea adventures.im a sucker for any older person armed with their life stories to tell me.
my mum said he told them to all his children and their spouses so many times they got bored and eventually tuned out when he told them abt it. funny how it is huh. u never do appreciate what's you have,when someone else would be more than thrilled to take ur place.
n he was a great grandpa,nice to the fault n really gentle. though i heard he was a boxer,thats how my dad n his brothers learnt to fight.haha..

everyone says he was a simple man,he definately wasn't worldly,and probably could never quote me socrates. or debate religion with anyone,nor could he effectively run a business, but all that didnt matter. cos he was gentle, kind, devoted and loving, and thats more than enough to me,cos he was a perfect grandpa, and i loved him in that short time i got to know him.i wished he was ard longer,but he was 82,so i guess thats a ripe old age to have lived to.
okay before i sound overly sappy,i just wished grandpa,granny and papa charlie were still ard. tmr's also gonna be the 2nd mth since granny's gone,though it still feels more recent than that.
and you know,i hope and pray,there really is a heaven and not purgatory,just so that they 3 would be there happy and at peace.

twilight

2008-04-27T08:09:23Z

WARNING: LONG RAMBLING POST AHEAD.

    oh my gosh, ive just read twilight.i cant believe ive waited this long,and i can't stop gushing abt it like a lovestruck fool.
    i think im in love with edward cullen,but then again who wouldn't be? he's perfect,and more. first of all he's beautiful, sophisticated, sexy, brilliant, a musical genius, witty, funny, awesomely strong, sweet, romantic, mysterious, charasmatic, brave, fast, gorgeous, alluring and even rich,though that kinda pales in comparison with his other qualities.haha.
   oh man,i mean for heaven's sake,he literally sparkles, what more could you ask for?
   I am so in love with him,im only too aware of the reality i'll eventually have to settle for less, cos he's only a chracter in a book n all,sigh. but the fact he's a vampire adds on to the charm and the phantasm edward is.

    anyway it all got me thinking, about love and relationships. i think the reason i loved the book so much, was because,unlike other lame ass teenage trashy romance novels around (which are still btw one of my favourite genres), it was a intense raw romance ignited by passion-filled chemistry, that transcended time, space, barriers, prejudices. okay wait,i think i just made it sound like a cheap second rate flick.haha, butyou kinda get what i mean right? like a classic romeo n juliet story,though this one's more of a happier ending,and at least edward and bella have more personality and quirks to make them feel way more relatable than romeo n juliet ever was, because honestly i felt romeo n juliet was just abt two hormone crazed teens,using flowery prose to sugarcoat their actual intention of jumping into each others' pants. (i guess you can tell i'm no great fan of shakesphere)

    and it makes me wonder, does passion fade with age? do these intense romances only belong to teenagers,capable of loving someone way too much,ur willing to risk anything? will they ever last?
   looking at my parents yest,when we were out for dinner,it struck me,what if they weren't each other soulmates?and then it made me sad. i wld never want the guy i marry to be second best,the one that wasnt meant for me, but what if u did, and you knew it?

    and it also got me thinking.i've never dated,nor had a boyfriend,and i can honestly tell you i've never regretted being single. i cld never bring myself to go out with someone i could never see myself with,and i thought that was a wonderful theory to go by. but now that im reaching 19,the last year of being a teen,it makes me sad sometimes,that i'll never get to experience that rush and joy of falling completely in love with someone,with the full fledged naivety that he loves you back unconditionally, and making all those mistakes you wld without any truly dire consequences,simply because you unknowingly have a safety net of family and friends,who will be there to catch you,when the boy fails you.you dun have responsibilities to level your judgement,u can act based on pure emotion alone and then u can blame it all on raging estrogen. and through it all, you mature and realise that you actually will survive and grow stronger,and congratulations! ur a step further on your path to self discovery and independence. unless of course you found mr right,and then continue to be with him for say the next 80 yrs.

    so dont get me wrong,i definately don't regret never being into the dating scene and all,if there ever was any regret,it wld be because i'm afraid i'll never have that raw passionate romances i read and hear about. i'm hoping those still exist when im 30,and when i find whoever it is meant for me,and im meant for,i hope that same passion still lasts till im 92,when he'll still buy me flowers just cos he thinks i look beautiful on that day.

    at the moment,i definately think im more in love with the idea of love more than i'll ever be with the person himself, but its kinda weird to tell this to others aka older family and friends,when they ask why i don't have a boyfriend. so i just say u noe,high standards n all,prob won't find one any time soon, and then i smile brightly to throw them off track and say "but kim has a boyfriend,ask her abt him." or to the extremely kpoh ones,i say i actually have 5,but couldnt decide which one to bring today,that normally shuts them up.haha!
and i know by now you may think im a hopeless romantic,but honestly i rather wait than give a little of my heart to each boy i call a boyfriend,even if it means sacrificing that teenage whirlwind romance thats so attractive, because eventually when my edward cullen comes a-knocking,i'll be so glad i waited,with my whole heart for him.

    okay i think thats enough of my long windedness!im gonna collect my pay tmr,and also try to get a job at eastpoint's vet.God's grace on that. this limbo period sucks,especially since i dun have a job,every tiny speck of a problem is easily magnified into a crisis,im that bored! and its still kinda unclear abt my uni plans.ive no idea where i'll end up. its the financial part thats making everything so unclear,i wld go overseas to embark on my vet dream if i only my parents could truly tell me they could send me,and still live comfortably.but right now,thats obviously out. but today in church, because of miracle seed sunday,this guy &his company was cleared of a usd 41 million bankdebt,thats like EIGHT freaking digits,and i only need six for my overseas education! so its def not too big a problem for God to just let that money drop out of the sky for me,right?or in any other more plausible way.
i just need to have some faith.

i also realised you know what,i wld love to be like jeff corwin,have my own show abt endangered animals in asia,and the horrible illegal wildlife trade prospering here.i wld be saving animals,i wld be making a difference,and all glory would still be God's. so maybe a science degree from nus wouldnt be too bad an option to seriously consider.hmmm.

=)

2008-04-23T15:38:46Z

oh n i forgot,i got a letter today from ntu,got accepted into biological sciences!
all glory to God,cos an ACD is def not the best grades.
but then again detractors say,there prob wasnt many ppl who applied for that course this year,n science is like the reject sch,blah blah.
whatever, okay.
at least now im cleared,cos a dilemma was deciding between going into media,find a niche in wildlife journalism.but thats out of the qn,since i got into my 1st choice.
so anyway,praise the Lord!
now ,i wait for nus.

love generation

2008-04-23T15:31:04Z

MY ARMS ACHE N SHOULDERS N FEET N CALVES.
you know,i was considering joining ns,if i didnt get into a uni,and do my part for the nation.
but after carrying around a tray the whole day,n lugging this ridiculously heavy bag from the car to the hall,my arms are numb,so i realise there's no way i'll make it past the 1st hour in ns.
oh well.
job' been fun,i found a chef who turned outto be n uncle i never knew i had,a cambodian f&b manager of a hotel/spa who said he'll help me find cheap accomodation there if i ever wana go(though jane thinks it'll probably be his house,HAHA!), another businessman who told me to call him if i ever want a job in dubai,a lady who's trying to bring australian fudge to singapore, friends,family and other random fun interesting ppl/things/food.
there's even a booth specialising in spore sling,so they give free samples of that too!

it almost makes me want to go into hospitality n tourism,its sucha vibrant trade.though tiring.
but then i look at cookie,and then know,i rather work with animals.

its empty

2008-04-21T16:16:33Z

tmr's the start of my 2nd official job. i'm going to be at the expo for the FHA exhibition till fri,dressed in a cheogsam selling,
soya sauce!
haha,im promoting chng kee's range of sauces and dips,to chefs and reps from hotels etc. i just hope they understand me when i speak too fast. and since there's going to be food from ard the world,lets keep our fingers crossed that there's some hot sexy spanish chefs at the spain section! or at korea's booth since we're next to it.
oh n i'll be woking with jane,so at least there's great company.

i still need to apply to murdoch =/

so grace on my new job,applications and the miracle seed!

nothing's gonna change my world

2008-04-16T12:35:41Z

why does it feel like,each time you scream at me,i love you a little less?

its all been done

2008-04-11T16:30:11Z

so,last day of intern/attachment/volunteer stint at vet clinic,
i'm feeling sad =(
i am going to miss everything everyone, and the animals of course.
and eventhough i made many mistakes such as dropping the hairdryer switch into a jug of water today,
aunty annie was still so nice and warm.
she also made me macaroni lunch today,meaning she slept very late last nite,the doc paid me for overtime,though technically i didnt even do much,janice treated me to ilt =)
im really gonna miss them.
n i still want to be a vet.
i need to get a job now,
thhough i think after this,i'm so not ready for the working world.

oh my lollipop

2008-04-07T15:12:28Z

so, like hours before smu application closes, im still deciding whether to apply for social sciences there or not...
like wld it be a waste considering i probably wouldnt accept it,even if i got in.
or on the other hand i may very well change my mind in the next few weeks n want to go there. since i rather do social sciences at smu,then fass.
i think im just gonna sleep.and see if im wracked with guilt in the middle of the night, and wake up.
then that'll probably be a sign that i shd apply.
but i cant help feeling that applying for smu is one step closer to forsaking my dream.

anyway,sat nite was a.maureen's n u.burt's 40th anniversary,n watching them and the video vanessa n lynne put together, i realised marriage is just a blind leap of faith, cos faith will pull you through when love fails.
and i made a silent pact then,that no matter what,im going to try to stay in a marriage,give it all i got,cos even after 40 years together through all the good times and bad, nothing beats falling in love all over again with the man you married.

Anyway it was dots n salt's bday yest,they turned 11! that means theyve been with me 11 out of my 19 years,which is many many years,n though theyre fat n lazy n smelly these days, i love them as much as i did the 1st time, so God bless them with many more good years, i can't imagine life without them. n i think princess's bday is in april somewhere too,but being the pariah he is, no one seems to care to set aside a date for him.haha..

once again, happy bday to you two old farts!

runaway

2008-03-28T09:45:39Z

in times like this, i sigh.
i wish things were different.
i wish i wasn't dependent on anyone but myself, not for money not for my education not for my happiness and peace.
i wish i could totally trust in God,and know He'll make it just fine.
i wish i had studied harder,taken a different path,gone to rj,gone to cornell.
i wish my future weren't so dependent on a certicate, but on what i could offer as a person.
i wish everyone could just go away, leave me alone,give me a break.

but if all things were different,would i still be the same?
my future seems so blahh, i could just cry.

contemplation is just a state of confusion with precise thought.

uq

2008-03-27T16:31:01Z

haha, i got accepted into the University of Queensland, for zoology.
so far,claques n family burst into fits of laughter upon hearing.
n i mean sure, im thankful i at least have a place in a uni somewhere,but still, not much of a career it promises rite?
n so zoology wld probably fun,
but then again this means my very first vet sch rejection, from my dream university.
one 18th year goal not acheived.
piang piang piang.

money must be funny

2008-03-24T17:20:05Z

hmmm, i think im pretty stressed.
so my choices are probably nus-life sciences,fass or ntu-biological sciences,communications or smu-social sciences,which is prob gonna be my choice if i dun get into any of the science faculties.
im also gonna apply for usp,provided i complete the essay in time.
if i cld only write a suitable, simple yet mind-blowing take on a theory.

and i did apply to uni of queensland and uni of adelaide for vet science,zoology and pre-vet science.
but im not really holding out much for queensland,seeing they're asking for AAB.
oh i never did sa how i did,did i? i had AACDA, for gp bio chem math geog.
it wasn't bad,definately a miracle from prelims, CDUUU (thank God!)
but it wasn't good enough for vet sch,but im stil praying.that somehow,my prayers are answered.
my last hope's probably murdoch,so far i can probably get 3 recommendation letters,and hopefully write a terrific essay,and then my grades won't be too much of a damper.
someone told me i cld also directly apply to biotech,and depend on the 1st yr's performance.
only problem?
money,money,money. =(
i'm appling for the Loke Cheng Kim Foundation scholarship,cos its the only one that doesnt focus as much on A'level results AND covers even vet science tuition fees!
its times like these i wished i was really rich materially.
the doors of possibilities just fly open, and often,all of your dreams are possible.

but im rich in faith,or at least i'd like to think so,haha.
so i shall rest in Him.
and have faith that eventhough i didnt get the grades, nor do i have the money, or the hands of a surgeon,
i will get into vet school and become a vet.
or if it's not God's plan for me, that i will have a total change of heart and realise His plan for me,and develop the passion for it, the very same passion and longing i have,right now, to be a vet.

and the previous,previous post?i probably was a tad too whiny.haha..okay fine,way too whiny.
but it was exactly the way i was feeling,so just take it as a rant.

and tmr,or effectively today,im gonna take another day off volunteering at the clinic to apply for EVERYTHING!
even murdoch,get everything over n done with.
cos the last few times,things cropped up,and i had to devote my time to tending to cookie,who seems to love developing extreme illnesses just to provide me with a plethora of worries.
all she does is drink pee play sleep,wakes up,meows at the top of her tiny lungs to demand the whole cycle be repeated again.

she is becoming such a princess.
but a way cute one at that.

things i should have lost in a fire:

2008-03-20T06:39:17Z

doubt.

and please click here- http://klassyfied.livejournal.com/7455.html or here- http://evesin.livejournal.com/14839.html
death seems to be a companion this month,doesn't it.
a companion i can't wait to say goodbye to.

into a grey-sky morning

2008-03-10T17:25:46Z

i have had the worst few weeks in my life.so im gona be whiny,and i don't care,i think i deserve a break.

1st,unwanted attention from certain ppl make me feel all icky,
then granny dies,so suddenly,i didnt even say goodbye,
then my A-level results come back,my heart breaks.
and today's the 1st death anniversary of my grandpa,
and just when i'm writing a memoriam for my granny, this stupid page hangs n then refreshes itself,and now that whole post is gone. lj creators,if ur reading this,take a lesson from blogspot,HAVE A RECOVER POST BUTTON,please.i'm just so past the point of mad.

it freaking hurts to have all your dreams shattered.
my head hurts,my heart hurts.
what am i to do now,
i thought that was my destiny,fate,whatever you call it.
now what?
i'm so not ready to let go of it,esp not now.
i'm gonna find a way to get into vet science,but how much am i willing to do?
and at what cost. certainly not at the expense of my family.
right?

and granny passed away on 1st march,3am.
i rmb thinking on 29th feb,how special leap days were ,and fell asleep with that thought,only to wake up at 3am to hear mummy crying on the phone from cgh,telling me granny had a heart attack,and passed away.
i was like what!no way!
so much for me being the symphatetic,compassionate one in the family.
but she did,but the thing was,it wasnt like she died,it was more like she just was gone,
one moment there and nxt moment not.
not one of us expected her to go so soon.
she wasn't feeling well recently,but we didnt think she'd die.
not this soon.
they called an ambulance ard one am,and then she went hospital and it was over.
in abt 4hrs,she was just,
gone.
but it still is comforting to think that even though no one was with her when she took her last breath, Jesus embraced her as she left.
so at least she wasn't alone anymore.
its only been a year since grandpa died,and so now i honestly believe its possible to die of a broken heart.
and my mother was so sad,and i acted like a brat during the wake,
and now i realise,losing your mother has gotta be one of the worst things ever.
even worse than losing a dream.
cos they can always eventually be found ,
but a loved one will always be lost,and after the funeral,
its just the memories that will serve as proof she was ever even there.

granny,i never was your favourite,and i never was the best,
but you loved me,
and i eventually loved you too.
more than you'll ever know.
and i'm gonna miss your kisses,smiles and kisses
and the weekly sunday lunches.
and my only wish is
you be mummy's and aunty maureen's guardian angel,
in God's eternal rest.

and i just found out yesterday that my granny and grandpa eloped,
because my great-grandparents didnt think my grandpa was good enough and plus,
she was only 16!
isn't that incredibly romantic?

and still,
life goes on,way too fast if you ask me,
and im going to the clinic tmr,yet im still awake,
and though my eyes can barely open
i don't want to sleep,
i can wait for tmr.

im at a loss,losing dreams,ppl and reality,
but i still have this insane hope everything's gonna turn out brilliant,
which could very well be a masquerade of faith.

and so even though im being forced to let go of so much,
there's this insupressible spark of raw, bright hope inside of me.

so i'm sure one day, i'll be able to look back at this post with a smile.

leap day!

2008-02-29T12:30:49Z

since its a leap day,i have to blog just cos it only comes once a year,and i want to see the date displayed.
so,i don't actually have anything to blog about.
and for the life of me, i can't recall what happened the last leap day.
and today was supposedly results day.
so i had all the best,don't stress msgs from non-A-level takers.
well,well,well,i guess its another week of wondering.
but i wished i was back in mjc =(

lovefloats @ 2008-02-24T22:56:00

2008-02-24T15:13:25Z

and then, things slowly fall out of place.

i think im naive,thats why ppl think its okay to try to coerce me into doing things i don't want too.
i wished i was so intimidating,i scare people.
then i wouldn't find myself in such messes.

anwyay,today in church,pastor prince said,resting in God and having faith doesn't mean u'll NEVER encounter problems,it just means u can trust God to solve ur problems without you worrying.
funny, i always thought grace meant you would never encounter problems,life would be perfect.
but it never was,and now i understand why.

so i'm putting that problem in your hands Lord,once and for all.
and i'm gona rest and be still.

i passed!

2008-02-20T13:10:21Z

yay, i passed my btt!!!=)))

i'm elated,thank God!
hopefully,i'll get my license by my bday!
n now,if only someone gave me a car,
heck,i'll even make it easy for you,
here are the cars i'm in love with!

jaguar xk180: my love, since sec2.

volkswagen convertible: the sweetheart car,how can you not love it. its the happiest car ever!

the mini cooper!cute and classy!

mercedes clk350 coupe, it may not look like much,but its interior and functions are awesome!

BMW 328 Roadster: the grandpa car!

the Cadillac Eldorado 1959: old-school glamour!

and secretly?
i really want a groovy volkswagen bus!

Hahahha,it reminds me of austin powers!
so now im praying someone gives me one of this cars for my 19th birthday!=)

okay anyway,
today the doctor asked me, so what do you do in your free time?
me: well,...i go out with my friends,...and................... i play the x-box!
i shd really get myself a hobby,
like wakeboarding or phtography or at leaat something inetersting enough to spark a conversation!

*riane!

three pennies

2008-02-18T15:23:17Z

tmr's my btt,i'm so scared, what if i fail?
no one fails the basic theory right?
but there's so much to read through,i can't rmb all the signs n rules.
aaahhh,i'm freaking out!
plus im supposed to sign up for e-trial tests n so on,which i havent.and the e-learning site isn't working for me!
oh no,maybe i shd have waited to sign up for driving.

anyway the volunteering has been fun!=)

every little thing

2008-02-11T16:02:56Z

yay,things are falling into place!
mr.mohan,the guy at the cat shelther,called the waringin clinic for me and said i want to volunteer, and they said
okay!come down tmr at 9.30.
yes!im so grateful.
but i still want to work in the zoo's vet centre,to decide what to do like, go into wildlife or just pets.
because, i want to save the elephants!

anyway,yest was a great day,stayed over at jane's place! den went to eastpoint had lunch n =)
funny how a small smile rekindles it all.

anyway,back to my main pt.
jane says when i go down to the vet clinic tmr,to(most importantly)bring a waterbottle.
n then she goes on to say cv,ic,n a notebook.
haha,only she says things like that.
jane's a crackpot i tell you.
i wished something works out n i get paid minimally or something,cos truth is i like getting a pay.
haha..ya,i know,material girl.

but anyway as i helped mohan at the cat shelther medicate the cats,
i reaaly realised it was fun.
okay not fun as in i get a kick out of seeing blood n cats squirm n mew in pain,
but fun as in handling the animals,and knowing i can help them get better.
it makes me feel like i can change the world,a small step at a time.
i know now without a doubt,that i want to help animals,n i know i want to be a vet.
ive been having 2nd thoughts abt it these past few mths,but now am sure.
im still a lil apprehensive abt sugery though,dun noe if i can handle it.
so i guess i'll see what its all abt tmr.

and you know,even though i failed prelims,
n everyone thinks im not going to do well for A's (excluding claques n family),
i know no matter what n how long the route takes,
i am going to make it.
cos that's my passion n calling in life,as corny as that sounds.
and im sure am glad i've realised it early in life.

and i really prayed abt everything yesterday,
and am now no longer anxious abt the A's.
thank God for His grace.

so great start to the week!
n everything's going to be alright,i just know it =)

rockstar.

2008-02-07T18:22:41Z

it could be sleep talking,
or nerves.
so just let me let this all out, and then i can finally just put all my trust in God.

i am so freaking scared i do not get into vet school.
ive known i wanted to be a vet since pri 4, 5 or 6, when i thought being a vet meant i just played with animals then gave them medicine,and then, everyone's happy.
but i now know it takes way more than that. ive researched over the years,asked around,enquired about vet school,and more or less know abt application procedures for vet school n all. but im still a little blur,and have no idea who to ask,and when i finally ask the career dept in my school,they dun even reply my emails,i am so frustrated!
i know i want to be a vet.or at the very least,work with animals,maybe a wildlife journalist.
sure,in sec 2 and 3 i had a change of heart and decided i shall be a marine biologist instead,but now know better,cos in actual fact i would love to work with corals n sea mammals and turtles(my fave!) but i would hate to work with fish,truth is their eyes kinda freak me out,
and i can't help but imagine them sticking out of bowls of fish head curry,haha, its way too weird!

but the scariest thing is,i don't even know if i'll ever make a good vet.okay not good,but a great one!
this may sound like a trivial assumption on my part but thing is whenever i play online vet games,i have no idea what procedures to do on the animals,no idea when to take an x-ray or ultrasound,or administer oxygen or medicine. its like i dun have a flair for medicine, and im so afraid that when it actually comes down to it,my vet ambition is nothing but just a dream. a dream i'll always long for,but nvr get,and finally become a life long regret.

and plus i feel inadequate for the job, let me list the reasons. 1)i don't have steady hands 2)animals don't particularly like me( i got mauled by prince when i tried to cuddle him and landed up with scratches all over my face; danny bit me when i tried to pet him, insects fly into my hair) 3)i can't really handle animals when it comes to treating them (eg.dots bit me when i tried giving her medicine,the 3 cats refuse to swallow medicine when i give it to them,even when i try stroking their throats,i tried cleaning a sick cat at the shelter who had mucus clogging up his nose and mouth, and he kept turning round and round,and andrea came to help me and managed to keep him still and clean him up in 3min with no effort whatsoever.

i mean what if my dream is only a product of naiveity stemming from a childhood love for animals?
but then how do i explain,the peace and satisfaction in my heart,
that wonderful juxtaposition of excitement and calm,
everytime i think of myself as a vet in the future?
what if i can't cope in vet school with a physics/math overload,sujects im so unfamiliar with.
what if, i don't even get into vet school?

i know i have to practice postive affirmation and have faith.but truth is,honestly, based on my own efforts,i probably wont even manage a single A,neither would i pass math.because i left about half of paper 2 blank.and now do u understand why even all the sermons have a hard time convincing me of God's grace?
because i want to believe it,but each time i try to keep that hope close,i feel it slipping,as something in me screams, its not possible,u didnt freaking study how could u ever expect to get straight A's? its not possible,in real life it really isn't.how can u beat those who were so prepared they finish their tys-es while u did just a few pgs!

But God is greater than all that isn't He?
He created the heavens and the stars,what's a mere exam to him? He's the Lord of Heaven's Armies, i'm just His beloved child.
and thats worth more than anything in the world.
His grace is sufficient for me,the same grace He gave us when He died the cross for me,the ultimate sacrifice,so that not only am i saved, i'm more than a conqueror in this life!
its such an easy truth to understand,but so hard to grasp.
and what makes it so much more complicated is that that mustard seed of faith is so hard to hold on to.
i need a miracle i really do.

and sometimes it makes me wonder,
what exactly is the difference between denial and faith?

i'm putting it all in His hands now,literally,because when i really do make it to vet school and become a great vet,its God who the glory belongs too. i'm convinced of that.
and maybe that's what its all about
and all that i've needed,
to convince myself that i'm nothing without Him.

Untie the weight tags I never thought I could
Steady feet don't fail me now,
I'm gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out, and I'm standing down.

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

OKAY I'VE NEEDED TO GET THAT OUT SINCE THE A'S!
i think you won't hear me worrying about it from now on!=)