http://bp2.blogger.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/SBsLtGhZKLI/AAAAAAAAE0Q/suXu-7HgIZA/s1600-h/leapoffaith.jpg

and i think that has got to be the scariest,most fantabulous feeling in the world.
and i can't wait =)

 i have had the worst few weeks in my life.so im gona be whiny,and i don't care,i think i deserve a break.

1st,unwanted attention from certain ppl make me feel all icky,
then granny dies,so suddenly,i didnt even say goodbye,
then my A-level results come back,my heart breaks.
and today's the 1st death anniversary of my grandpa,
and just when i'm writing a memoriam for my granny, this stupid page hangs n then refreshes itself,and now that whole post is gone. lj creators,if ur reading this,take a lesson from blogspot,HAVE A RECOVER POST BUTTON,please.i'm just so past the point of mad.


it freaking hurts to have all your dreams shattered.
my head hurts,my heart hurts.
what am i to do now,
i thought that was my destiny,fate,whatever you call it.
now what?
i'm so not ready to let go of it,esp not now.
i'm gonna find a way to get into vet science,but how much am i willing to do?
and at what cost. certainly not at the expense of my family.
right?

and granny passed away on 1st march,3am.
i rmb thinking on 29th feb,how special leap days were ,and fell asleep with that thought,only to wake up at 3am to hear mummy crying on the phone from cgh,telling me granny had a heart attack,and passed away.
i was like what!no way!
so much for me being the symphatetic,compassionate one in the family.
but she did,but the thing was,it wasnt like she died,it was more like she just was gone,
one moment there and nxt moment not.
not one of us expected her to go so soon.
she wasn't feeling well recently,but we didnt think she'd die.
not this soon.
they called an ambulance ard one am,and then she went hospital and it was over.
 in abt 4hrs,she was just,
gone.
but it still is comforting to think that even though no one was with her when she took her last breath, Jesus embraced her as she left.
so at least she wasn't alone anymore.
its only been a year since grandpa died,and so now i honestly believe its possible to die of a broken heart.
and my mother was so sad,and i acted like a brat during the wake,
and now i realise,losing your mother has gotta be one of the worst things ever.
even worse than losing a dream.
cos they can always eventually be found ,
but a loved one will always be lost,and after the funeral,
its just the memories that will serve as proof she was ever even there.

granny,i never was your favourite,and i never was the best,
but you loved me,
and i eventually loved you too.
more than you'll ever know.
and i'm gonna miss your kisses,smiles and kisses
and the weekly sunday lunches.
and my only wish is
you be mummy's and aunty maureen's guardian angel,
in God's eternal rest.

and i just found out yesterday that my granny and grandpa eloped,
because my great-grandparents didnt think my grandpa was good enough and plus,
she was only 16!
isn't that incredibly romantic?


and still,
life goes on,way too fast if you ask me,
and im going to the clinic tmr,yet im still awake,
and though my eyes can barely open
i don't want to sleep,
i can wait for tmr.


im at a loss,losing dreams,ppl and reality,
but i still have this insane hope everything's gonna turn out brilliant,
which could very well be a masquerade of faith.

and so even though im being forced to let go of so much,
there's this insupressible spark of raw, bright hope inside of me.

so i'm sure one day, i'll be able to look back at this post with a smile.
 

it could be sleep talking,
or nerves.
so just let me let this all out, and then i can finally just put all my trust in God.

i am so freaking scared i do not get into vet school.
ive known i wanted to be a vet since pri 4, 5 or 6, when i thought being a vet meant i just played with animals then gave them medicine,and then, everyone's happy.
but i now know it takes way more than that. ive researched over the years,asked around,enquired about vet school,and more or less know abt application procedures for vet school n all. but im still a little blur,and have no idea who to ask,and when i finally ask the career dept in my school,they dun even reply my emails,i am so frustrated!
i know i want to be a vet.or at the very least,work with animals,maybe a wildlife journalist.
sure,in sec 2 and 3 i had a change of heart and decided i shall be a marine biologist instead,but now know better,cos in actual fact i would love to work with corals n  sea mammals and turtles(my fave!) but i would hate to work with fish,truth is their eyes kinda freak me out,
and i can't help but imagine them sticking out of bowls of fish head curry,haha, its way too weird!

but the scariest thing is,i don't even know if i'll ever make a good vet.okay not good,but a great one!
this may sound like a trivial assumption on my part but thing is whenever i play online vet games,i have no idea what procedures to do on the animals,no idea when to take an x-ray or ultrasound,or administer oxygen or medicine. its like i dun have a flair for medicine, and im so afraid that when it actually comes down to it,my vet ambition is nothing but just a dream. a dream i'll always long for,but nvr get,and finally become a life long regret.

and plus i feel inadequate for the job, let me list the reasons. 1)i don't have steady hands 2)animals don't particularly like me( i got mauled by prince when i tried to cuddle him and landed up with scratches all over my face; danny bit me when i tried to pet him, insects fly into my hair) 3)i can't really handle animals when it comes to treating them (eg.dots bit me when i tried giving her medicine,the 3 cats refuse to swallow medicine when i give it to them,even when i try stroking their throats,i tried cleaning a sick cat at the shelter who had mucus clogging up his nose and mouth, and he kept turning round and round,and andrea came to help me and managed to keep him still and clean him up in 3min with no effort whatsoever.

i mean what if my dream is only a product of naiveity stemming from a childhood love for animals?
but then how do i explain,the peace and satisfaction in my heart,
that wonderful juxtaposition of excitement and calm,
everytime i think of myself as a vet in the future?
what if i can't cope in vet school with a physics/math overload,sujects im so unfamiliar with.
what if, i don't  even get into vet school?

i know i have to practice postive affirmation and have faith.but truth is,honestly, based on my own efforts,i probably wont even manage a single A,neither would i pass math.because i left about half of paper 2 blank.and now do u understand why even all the sermons have a hard time convincing me of God's grace?
because i want to believe it,but each time i try to keep that hope close,i feel it slipping,as something in me screams, its not possible,u  didnt freaking study how could u ever expect to get straight A's? its not possible,in real life it really isn't.how can u beat those who were so prepared they finish their tys-es while u did just a few pgs!

But God is greater than all that isn't He?
He created the heavens and the stars,what's a mere exam to him? He's the Lord of Heaven's Armies, i'm just His beloved child.
and thats worth more than anything in the world.
His grace is sufficient for me,the same grace He gave us when He died the cross for me,the ultimate sacrifice,so that not only am i saved, i'm more than a conqueror in this life!
its such an easy truth to understand,but so hard to grasp. 
and what makes it so much more complicated is that  that mustard seed of faith is so hard to hold on to.
i need a miracle i really do.


and sometimes it makes me wonder,
what exactly is the difference between denial and faith?


i'm putting it all in His hands now,literally,because when i really do make it to vet school and become a great vet,its God who the glory belongs too. i'm convinced of that.
and maybe that's what its all about
and all that i've needed,
to convince myself that i'm nothing without Him.


Untie the weight tags I never thought I could
Steady feet don't fail me now,
I'm gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out, and I'm standing down.

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need


OKAY I'VE NEEDED TO GET THAT OUT SINCE THE A'S!
i think you won't hear me worrying about it from now on!=)